My place is horrendously messy so today, I will clean it up. It is starting to look like this
and this !!! Ok, maybe not quite that bad, but it's getting there! Photos curtesy of Barbie Trashes Her Dreamhouse by Carrie M. Becker. https://www.flickr.com/photos/carriembe
Her website is really cool and you should check it out.
Nonetheless, life is messy! Clean it up! I will clean my place after watching Obsessive Cleaners. Then I will exercise. Then I will clean myself up as well and go to a night cafe to do homework. My Anatomy homework overwhelms me so I need to tackle it. Only the will I be able to conquer the fear and get shit done!
P.S. Here's an inspirationa mantra to live by:
Just for Today
- Written by Sibyl F. Partridge, 1916
Livejournal though not quite dead has been in a coma since 2010. I am posting for the first time in years because I have faith that I can bring it out of its slumber. I miss the camaraderie of this site as LJ friends would write and comment on each others' posts, inspiring even more writing. I hope to bring my old friends back into the LJ portal and give ourselves a safe haven to keep in touch and express our hopes and dreams. Yes, it sounds a little corny but sometimes corny sentiments drive us into action.
I am about to turn 32 in less than a month which scares me, not because 32 is old but because I have little to show for it. I have no children, no husband, not even a divorce to say I lived a bit and I am unemployed. The only thing I have now that I did not have 10 years ago is my own apartment which I am going into debt trying to pay. I have gained 15 pounds since college so I now have a pot belly to show for my years. I waste time fantasizing about all the things I would do differently if I could only go back 10 years. Sadly, I realized some of my dreams and it all feels like it is too late.
Finally, I became sick of struggling through meaningless jobs with even more meaningless pay and took the plunge. I signed up for science classes, stuck with them even though slaving away at school sucks the joy out of life, and quit the office job for less demanding work as a nanny. Only my employment as a nanny was terminated 8 months later which was the first and only job I have ever been fired from in my life. Despite all my research, I seemed to have found employers with more issues than I. Then I overloaded myself with schoolwork and feel chained to the computer 24/7. I wonder with the demands of nursing school, will I really be able to keep doing this? One bright side is that school cosistently rewards you for being brilliant and hardworking unlike the corporate world.
I do not mind working for the most part because of the immediate reward. Whereas, being in school feels like I am paying others to put me to work. I just need to keep my eyes focused on the goal ahead. I have always preferred living in the moment. My whole life I have only wanted to pave the way so I can live in the moment. That has been my problem because when something is unpleasant, I stop doing it. I cannot see the point of suffering for 10 years to complete my goals. My threshold seems to be 1 year, three if there's an immediate threat to prevent me from quitting. I tolerated an office job that literally gave me anxiety attacks for three years. I suppose bad jobs to me are what bad boyfriends are to others. I will cling to that job and try to mold myself into it and blame myself repeatedly in an attempt to be a better employee. I fear leaving it because it is my security and my identity. If I cannot find a way to succeed in it, then I feel like an utter failure.
I am writing in LJ instead of doing my Microbiology homework. I am doing this because I am burnt out from not working, not exercising, having a messy home, and constant studying. I need to start creating a balance. My muscles are atrophying from all the sitting at a computer. I want to lose weight for two reasons: stomach fat is harmful and my thunder thighs rubbing together is making me go through jeans too quickly. I also feel so lazy. I sit around too much and everytime I wake up past 9am, I feel like I have failed for the day, especially if I went to bed before midnight. I don't shower everyday and constantly forget to brush my teeth. I can go days without combing my hair because the tangles are just too much. Am I depressed? Perhaps, I am. Above all, I just feel tired instead of sad. The truth is I like not being employed fulltime but I do not like feeling chained to my computer doing homework. This is partially my fault for overloading myself and procrastinating. Thus, I need to take care of myself as well as other things in my life. I suppose it is time to start taking my vitamins again to keep up my energy. Maybe then, hot weather won't knock me out like a handful of valium. The worst part is I fear my writing is deteriorating due to nonuse. Thus, I am back on LJ if not to create masterpieces that make poets weep then at least as a way to prevent my writing muscles from also atrophying.
I have not kept on top of cleaning at all. The cabinets and floors look grimy. I've allowed the same, disgusting sponge to be used repeatedly on the dishes. The towel the dishes are placed to dry on reeks. The bathroom tiles are turning black. The blinds and most surfaces are caked with dust. The microwave is caked with food explosions. Clutter is one thing, but the environment is unsanitary! That means germs and sickness will be the price to pay. I hate dirt with a passion, yet I cannot motivate myself to clean. The truth is that I hate our apartment so much. I feel that cleaning has no point. I think in some, twisted way, I feel that cleaning it is accepting my situation. However, I need to clean because it's a matter of health. If the environment continues to be unsanitary, I will not get well. I am so fucking tired. I need a long, long rest to recuperate. I really need some kind of vacation. I feel like my body is breaking down, and I really need the rest so that I can take it easy, sleep, and clean. Yet, I feel like I am penalized when I call in sick for work. I don't know why it takes me so long to do things. I can't seem to balance work, school, volunteering, and cleaning. Something's gotta give. Nonetheless, I think I put off cleaning because I really hate this apartment. I hate it. I feel such negativity when I think about it. Maybe, I need to find some way to create happy memories. That way, I can feel enthusiastic about cleaning it and decorating it. Instead, the thought of cleaning just makes me want to burst into tears. This is our shit hole! I can decorate it with roses, but it's still a shit hole. I don't want to live here! I deserve beauty! I want a spacious room to work on my art. I want a small backyard to keep a dog. I want a decent kitchen so I don't run out of room putting away appliances.
I have always felt like a country girl trapped in the city. It cracks me up because it seems like very few people have recognized it. The happiness when I'm camping or water skiing on the lake. I grew up to appreciate SF for it diversity and art, but truth be told, it's all concrete to me. Every form of entertainment costs lots of money. I know it's judgmental, but the typical city boy does not appeal to me. I want a man who's willing to plunge his hands into the earth, ride atop an unruly horse, and has a stronger gag reflex than me. One thing that really turned me off about Veljko was that he hired movers so he wouldn't be burdened with the trouble of moving. I could understand if he did not have a single friend to help him, but to be too lazy to move the furniture yourself because you don't want to bother with such menial labor really turns me off. I avoid hiring movers because it's cheaper to rent a truck and get a couple friends to help. Do your own fucking work! Yes, I realize that to many people that seems petty, but even if I had loads of money, I'd still avoid hiring movers. I just like the idea of people coming together to help one another.
Sometimes, I feel like I was born into the wrong family. I was not meant to be a city girl. I wish if I'd been born with the father who patiently teaches me how to fix my own car or the brother who'd drag me along his fishing and hunting trips. I wish I'd had the mother who knew how to knit and sew and insisted on teaching me those traits. I wish I'd had the three sisters who scurried with me in the kitchen as we prepared Sunday dinner for the whole family. I wish I'd grown up with the fellow tomboyish cousin as we escaped to go horseback riding or for long midnight swims in the lake.
My mom can't understand my views on a future wedding. I don't want a $30,000 wedding based on principal. To me, it's an excessive amount of money that could be put to better use. It shouldn't cost that much to tell my loved ones that I love a man and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want us to come together as a family and cook the food, bake the cake, and decorate with flowers from our own gardens. My mom is like "Great. You want to fly your family out just so you can put them to work because you're too cheap to hire a caterer." And unfortunately, that's how everyone would probably see it. I feel like I really would have thrived growing up as a country girl and being taught how to do everything with my own hands, but my family is my family. They're what God gave me, and there's no point fantasizing about a different one. I love them, and I'm deeply grateful for them.
I live my life as if I'm in purgatory. Enduring my suffering as a temporary choice I must make in the hopes of finding heaven. I need to take active steps to get out of it, rather than choosing to endure it.
Nobody can be boxed, which is what Myers-Briggs attempts to do. This is not 100% me. There are some things I disagree with such as being utilitarian and trashing new ideas. I've been told I seem cold, but I think most people would say I give off a warm vibe. I'm also very interested in theories that have not been proven. Nonetheless, this is the best description for me. Now I just need my giant wolf-dog so we can frolick in the woods, far away from the idiots who plague society. Maybe, it's a good thing I don't have my own dog. I'd probably never interact with people. Not true, really. If I had my own husband, a dog, and lived close to my best friends, then I'd probably never interact with people aside those mentioned in this sentence.
I’m going to present ISTP qualities in a list format because I have found reading a paragraph when you are digging for some important, quick information, can be difficult, well it can be irritating! So let us take a look at a list of personality traits for ISTPs. This type:
•Is a natural logical and analytical
•Is quietly and very realistically watching everything
•Is naturally curious
•Is present oriented may struggle with future thinking
•Is active and outgoing for an Introvert, tolerant and easy-going
•Is typically needing autonomy, will become stubborn if denied it
•Is in possession of an acute bodily awareness/intelligence
•Is frequently masterful with physical tools and instruments of all kinds
•Does not have great respect for rules and regulations per se
•Is typically very task oriented
•Usually greatly values possessions and the great outdoors
Now do you see yourself/someone else in the above basic list of personality traits??
What we really begin to see with personality type is emerging patterns of behaving and using our brains. The ISTP way is natural, instinctive, beautiful, created to be this way. Let us continue.
Mottos Are Fun
For the ISTP these motto's or things to put on their battle flag might be:“Adaptable Troubleshooter”, “Pragmatic Problem-Solver”, “Do The Best With What You Have”, to name a few.
Let us make another list of personality traits, ISTPs:
•Are reasoning and making decisions with natural/instinctive logic and analysis
•Admire precision in action
•Will have difficulty (sometimes great difficulty) factoring in other people’s “feelings” in a decision making situation
•Usually enjoy solving problems, can be great in a crisis, natural troubleshooters
•Will be more naturally “object” oriented not “people” oriented when getting things done
•May dislike classroom learning as theory increases and hands-on learning decreases
•Normally, extremely utilitarian, if it can’t be used they will trash it
Now, my friend, the ISTP not only behaves in the above manner…THEY NATURALLY EXPECT EVERYONE ELSE TO DO THE SAME!!
So, what happens when they see that many others do not behave that way?? (only 5-7% of America’s population is this type) Answer: Different levels of stress, confusion, irritation, etc.; typically nothing this type can’t handle. So, this is a NATURAL reaction on the part of this type, they are not doing anything wrong.
More StuffThe ISTP:
◦In relationships, are usually quiet, detached and reserved
◦In relationships, are very calm, cool, and tough-minded at times
◦In relationships, may have difficulty expressing feelings
◦In relationships, can neglect to express appreciation for the way others feel
◦In relationships, much of their expression is non-verbal, they speak with action
◦In relationships, they can frustrate people with their need for independence and freedom
◦Will resist the slightest attempt at control thus they can be slow to embrace commitment
Under StressThe ISTP:
◦May become even less Introverted and more Extraverted, and verbally “attack”
◦May feel suddenly trapped by rules, expectation, obligations, then suddenly move out and away from the trapped reality
◦May become very pessimistic and see a mostly negative future
◦May become explosively emotional under extreme stress
◦May begin to take everything very personally and feel hurt
If this type is you, wonderful, perhaps you now have a better understanding of yourself, and perhaps you can use that increased understanding in many positive ways.
The princess lied on the ground, her head resting on a pile of fallen leaves. Though her binds were cut, the curse seemed stronger than ever, rendering her useless. She could barely lift her head, let alone walk. Sleep became her only desire. Maybe then, she could escape this place for at least a little while. Pulling herself into a sitting position, she leaned against the great willow for support. "I will not give in! I will fight this! I will not go back to sleep!" She thought, tightening her jaw.
The sun beat down upon the tiny neighborhood. The wolf could barely make out the houses in the blazing sunlight. Sweat dripped into her eyes. She swatted the droplets with her paw and glanced ahead. House#564 loomed a few yards away. Panting, she climbed the red wooden steps and approached a white door with a leaf pattern painted on it. She balled her paw into a fist and pounded on the door.
"Little pig, little pig, let me come in!" The wolf shouted.
"Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!" The pig replied.
The wolf turned the brass knob, only to find it locked.
"Come on! This is ridiculous! I'm just delivering a message!"
The peephole slid open; a pair of muddy brown eyes appeared. "I'm listening," said the pig. The wolf sighed. "May I come in? It's been a long journey, and I'd like something to drink."
The peephole snapped shut. The wolf heard some bustling and a door opening and closing along with some ice clinking against glass. A glass of lemonade pushed through the cat door and dropped on the doorstep. The peephole reopened as the eyes reappeared. The wolf stomped her foot.
"Is this any way to treat an old friend? Please let me in!" She growled.
"No!" Yelled the pig.
"That's it! I'm gonna huff and puff and blow that damned house down!"
"You can try, but you realize this house is made of brick," laughed the pig.
"And we'll see what your head's made of when I'm through with you!" The wolf roared.
A long moment of silence passed. The wolf's tail dropped between her legs.
"All right, I'm sorry! My temper got the best of me, but honesty, I don't understand! Don't you want to see me?"
"I'd love to, but I'm busy!" The pig snapped, slamming the peephole shut.
"You're being silly! I won't stay long! Just let me in!"
"I can't, for I am ashamed," cried the pig.
The wolf groaned. "What is it now?"
"I cannot say! It's too shameful!" The voice trailed behind the door.
The wolf slumped against the door and sat. "Well I cannot force you to open the door," she sighed, finishing the lemonade, "Thank you for the drink! I'll just set the glass beside the door and be on my way."
The wolf stepped to the side of the door away from the view of the peephole and windows. Using her feet, she made stepping sounds and waited.
The Curse still dwells, refusing to be broken. I thought a prince might come to release me from its binds, but only frogs reside. The ropes bind my wrists tighter and tighter, rendering me motionless. I look around, surrounded by thousands of frogs. My eyes focus on one, and I speak to him. "Cut away these binds! Help me find joy again!!" The frog lets out a mighty croak. Dare I hope? Maybe, he possesses enough muscle to wield the sword. He stares at me, then hops in the pond. The sword lingers on the ground, and I remain a prisoner. Back to sleep.