bay_wolf

I feel paralyzed, unable to work. I have sort of given up. My chemistry final is on Wednesday, and I have yet to do any real studying. This sense of calm, apathy has washed over me. If worst comes to worst, I will retake the class. I'm sure I will regret my inaction at midnight tomorrow night. Until then, the listlessness remainss...

We've all heard the saying, "Never talk about religion or politics." This phrase has been etched as one of the most prominent social rules, and woe to the one who breaks it. To this day, I am amazed at how many people are incapable of having a civil conversation over these topics. What is so hard about putting emotions aside and trying to understand another person's point of view? Both religion and politics fascinate me, and I loathe having to bite my tongue to prevent offending people. Nonetheless, after witnessing one too many shouting matches, I have learned to reel in that tongue.

Over the years, I have uncovered yet another taboo topic: veganism. This one word can cause the tranquility in a room to evaporate. Instantly, backs stiffen as people gaze at each other through slitted eyes. The battle has begun. Normally, the sides are skewed with one vegan against a whole room of omnivores. I am often that one vegan.

I do not advertise my veganism. I do not run around in Peta shirts and lecture everyone at the table over the cruelty of their dietary choices. People tend to bring it up when they notice me at the salad bar of a pizza parlor. Nonetheless, I do not try to hide it and answer honestly when they ask, "Are you a vegan?"

It seems the moment I reveal that I am a vegan, I am met with hostility. The questions heap upon me like stones. Why would I pick such an extreme diet? How do I get my protein? I especially love it when people ask me if I believe in breast feeding. No sooner when I answer a question, they fling another at me and ask me to expand upon my answers. Within seconds, I realize that these people do not want to learn about veganism; they simply want to ridicule me for my beliefs. Suddenly, I am painted as some wacky hippy frolicking naked in the woods. I find myself parrying verbal blows, and often leave a trail of rolling eyes behind me.

Why are vegans constantly picked on in social circles, especially when we do not try to enforce our beliefs on others? I notice similar knee-jerk reactions toward my friend who expresses her Catholic beliefs unabashedly. Many of our friends groan when she says a prayer at the table or crosses herself as an ambulance rushes past us. People constantly put her under the boxes of judgmental, arrogant, emotional, irrational, prudish, and freaky. I look at her, and realize that omnivores often put me under those same boxes. Like me, she has never tried to enforce her beliefs on others, just merely refused to hide them. Perhaps, people have a natural tendency to please and cannot help feeling that they are somehow disappointing us when they do not follow our ethical codes. Thus, they project the hostility they think we feel onto us.

Comparing religion to veganism feels absurd. After all, religions are based on faith, whereas, veganism is based on facts. We do not believe slaughterhouses exist; we know they exist. Many of us can recommend books depicting pictures from undercover reporters who have worked in factory farms. However, many omnivores try to prove that our beliefs are unfounded, and act as if all the pictures and videos are something we molded out of scraps of gold. Thus, many treat veganism with the same disrespect as many treat those of a different religion.

Perhaps, omnivores fear us for the same reason many Christians fear Muslims. They think we'll grow in numbers until we become the majority. Then we'll repress all the meat-eaters. Only instead of handing out burkas, we'll be handing out tofu patties. Those days of freedom, when Americans could sink their teeth into a charbroiled juicy steak will cease to exist. The inhumanity of it all!

Nonetheless, religions tend to command more respect than veganism. After all, most hosts willingly cater to their Jewish guests by preparing Kosher side dishes. Most restaurants will gladly prepare a dish free of lard for a Muslim customer. After all, nobody wants to look like a bigot. I do not see anti-discriminatory laws protecting those with different dietary preferences.

At this point, I discover that reactions toward veganism fall under those of a cult. A cult is defined as a group of people who follow beliefs considered unorthodox by the society. My mother's constant inquiries over my health and whether or not I'm trying to fill some void in my life confirm this discovery. Omnivores fear that we are setting out to brainwash the youth of America. We shock their senses with gory videos of slaughterhouses. We have established a different code of dress where leather and suede are the devil's work. We even offer an alternative deity to worship: Earth. Somebody pass the agave nectar-laced punch!

Reasons for veganism vary, but the core of it all revolves around a love and respect for animals. Animals were not placed on Earth for the use of humans. With the growth of technology, animals have started being viewed as machines where their value is based on what they can produce; their comfort and feelings no longer matter in the factory farms and slaughterhouses of modern society. Chickens are placed in cramped cages stacked on top of each other, pigs are raised in warehouses away from sunlight, and male calves are torn from their mothers to be shipped off to veal farms, all to save as much money as possible in hopes of increasing profits. As vegans, we have decided to no longer be a part of that mentality.

Nevertheless, the issues of veganism cannot be simplified as an us vs. them mentality. Many omnivores possess an open mind. My best friend grew up in the ranching business, yet she supports my views and has even bought me a few vegan cookbooks. My mom always tries to make me a vegan side dish when I come over for dinner. I have even been able to convince some people to rethink their meat purchasing choices. Obviously, not all omnivores view vegans as part of some corrupt religion.

As ridiculous as these comparisons may be, many people still possess a lack of understanding toward the vegan lifestyle. Most of us do not desire to upset the social order and make people uncomfortable. We are simply trying to be good human beings and believe that it all starts with compassion toward animals. Mohandas Gandhi once said, "the greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated." The most powerful weapon against the misunderstandings is evidence. As vegans, people constantly challenge our beliefs. The best way to defend ourselves is to research, and with enough facts, we can finally break away from the negative stereotypes surrounding veganism. Then people will see that we do not belong to some radical cult, but to a group of compassionate, rational human beings trying to make the world a better place.

At work today, I started getting slightly irritated with the complaints about the temperature of the office. For weeks, my co-workers complained that it was too cold. Today, Javier came in and adjusted the thermostat to make it warmer. On my way back to the office from the bathroom, he asked me how the temperature was in the office, and I mumbled, "fine", anxious to get back so as not to linger too long on my break. I walk in the office to hear people complaining that "it's too hot." When I heard those words from one of the chief complainers, I blurted' "You are so finicky! It's too cold! It's too hot!" Then my co-worker, Cecile teases me saying, "Let's get some meat into this girl!" Normally, these kinds of comments do not bother me, but whenever, I have an emotional outburst or feel tired, they always blame it on my vegetarianism. I wish they'd find another excuse because it gets old. Cecile sort of apologized, but said that she finds it funny that someone (me) so finicky would call someone else finicky. I told her I was not finicky, but she said that my unwillingness to eat animal products made me finicky. So now I learn that being a vegan automatically puts me under the category of finicky. Never mind, that I'll try all sorts of exotic vegan foods that most wouldn't touch, or that I spent months sleeping on an air mattress before buying furniture, or that I love camping miles away from running water, sleeping in a tent on the dirt floor. My being vegan makes me finicky. My main obstacle to being a content vegan is the way others perceive me; I become the vegan freak. I've always taken pride in being rugged and able to rough it with the guys. However, being vegan puts me under the label of "pansy" in most social circles. Why does having compassion for animals make me weak? I explained that I abstain from eating animal products for moral reasons, and that I'm simply trying to be a good person. Then we got into a discussion on what defines a good person. More on that later. What I need to do is some research, outlining my reasons for a plant-based diet.
(Later topic: Veganism and Religion: Why so Taboo?"
Do not discuss religion or politic. Well it seems that veganism falls under that same category. Are they afraid that someday we will outnumber the carnivores and our beliefs will become the law? We will start repressing the meateaters. Might as well pass out the burkas! Is the fear similar to our fear of Muslims?

I am without a doubt one of the most paranoid people ever. I broke the news to one of my roommates about not renewing my lease, and he was very stoic. I figured he would tell my other roommate, and that would be that. Then I worried that they'd be pissed off and seek revenge because they'd feel as if I screwed them over. I even thought about moving my pet turtle to my parents' house and stopped using my toothbrush in the bathroom (I used one hidden in my bedroom instead). Then I confirmed with Rachael that I'm moving, and she was very gracious about it. I realized that I've been paranoid for nothing. If I keep this up, I'm going to turn into Mel Gibson from Conspiracy Theory.

--Note: I'm okay and I don't really feel this way anymore. I wrote this entry nearly three years ago, and just find it interesting to go back and reflect----

I am going to write an honest entry for once. I'm sick of trying to make each entry in this livejournal cheerful and optimistic like pollysunshine, like everything is a o fucking okay, like my life is full of rainbows and butterflies because guess what, it's not! I am absolutely miserable. Sometimes I hate everything, and I hate everyone, but most of all I hate myself. Alright, some people do escape the tidal waves of my hatred, and most of the time I do like myself. I feel like every time I lower my expectations, my life gets worse. I feel like every time I become grateful for something, it gets taken away. My whole life I wanted romance, but never got it. What can I expect? I'm in the college environment so I shouldn't be surprised that most guys only take an interest in me sexually. Never mind that I'm a human being with a mind and heart. So I except it. I tell myself at least I have a best friend. Well, we all know how that turned out. Then I tell myself that at least I have a group of friends to hang out with. Well, where did they go? Everyone is too busy these days, and some people don't even bother to return my phone calls. Well, I'm sorry if I'm a burden! It's amazing that you can be nice, give people rides, but then when you sink into darkness, everyone runs away. Then I try to make it up to them because I feel badly, but nobody really responds. So another thing taken away. No friends. So I think no big deal, as long as I continue to be successful and make good grades, everything will be okay. Then I encounter sleep problems and am so tired all the time that I watch my grades slipping away. Absolutely devastating! Nearly made me go crazy! Yes, I wrote fragments, get over it! I know that some critical eyes have already noticed whatever grammatical or spelling errors exist in this entry. So my success is taken away. Then I become grateful that everything is going well with my family, but then I get into a fight with my Dad, and now Dad and my stepmom are furious with me, and we're walking on eggshells. So the fragile peace with my family is gone, shattered. Then I think, I've got a job, a roof over my head, and a car. I have a chance to make things better. Then lo and behold, my car gets wrecked, and now I have to fix it. So I can't even buy furniture like I had planned b/c now I need to fix my car. My optimism can only go so far! What amazes me is that when you need people the most, that's when they're nowhere to be found. I went down a path of destruction for awhile and was drowning, but I pulled myself out all by myself. Some say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. For me, it's the opposite: absence makes the person's flaws become more visible, and the more time that passes, the less I desire to see them. Am I being self-pitying? Are you going to see this entry as a childish cry for attention? Am I histrionic, overly dramatizing things to keep the spotlight on me, me, me!? Do you think me selfish because I'm pointing out my hurt and frustrations? I honestly don't care anymore. Go ahead and pass your judgment! Go ahead and laugh and snicker! Isn't it funny how self-pitying and pathetic this entry is? There she goes being dramatic again! My, my, my, she could win a worst acting award! Or, my god, somebody shut her up! Ha, ha, ha, ha! My emotions are just so funny! At least I've given some people a good laugh, and they can feel better about themselves by saying, "at least I'm not pathetic like her". So use me as a model of what not to be if you want. A short while ago I was bitter and depressed. Now, I'm just numb. I finally realized how hurt I was that my attempts to make plans with certain people never went through or that one male I kept calling only returned my phone calls once in a blue moon and never seemed to care about seeing me. I needed help and comfort. I guess I just wasn't worth helping. Nobody will ever know how far I really sunk or how desperately I needed my friends. It's okay, I've rekindled a couple of friendships, been meeting new people, and that has brought me some comfort. Since suicide has never been an option for me, I have no choice but to make things better. As long as one has the desire to live, one has a chance to find happiness. Therefore, I always have the chance to obtain happiness.
I'll probably look back at this entry tomorrow and be horrified that I wrote it much less displayed it. For now, I'm indifferent because I'm sick of sugarcoating and saying things are alright when they're not. It doesn't matter what people think of me anymore because I'm leaving in a year and I won't be associating with them anymore. I've disabled comments b/c I'm really not interested in anyone's responses right now. Also, if nobody gives a comment, I can at least pretend that it's because I disabled them rather than the truth: nobody cares and they're just sick of me. I'm glad that some people's lives are going well. I really am because it gives me hope. As for me, my life is shit.

I feel like this song applies so much to one tall, scrawny Ukrainian we all know. However, his greatest gift is invoking pity and seeming absolutely pathetic. He's like a rabid puppy that you know will infest you with some disease yet you just don't have the heart to put it down or kick it away as it aims at your heels. I have wanted to tell him off so many times, but I just look at his sagging shoulders and find myself unable to do it.

This person crushes people's hearts and leaves others to pick up the pieces. I do think that one day he will get his due, but then again maybe he is not capable of forming an emotional connection significant enough for him to get hurt. At best, he'll just feel frustration at being used and unable to control that person. A part of me fantasized about being that person: the Avenger of all women! However, I just lack the motivation to be that cruel. Someone would have to do something much worse AKA The Count of Monte Cristo type crime. I, fortunately, have not had my heart wounded by this person because I learned of his nature by watching others get tangled in his web; I have just skirted around the outside.
I read parts of The Sociopath Next Door. According to the author 1 in 5 of all people are sociopaths. Most of them don't turn into serial killers. They just go through life unable to form real connections with people and love. That seems so harsh to say that someone is incapable of feeling love. However, the person I mentioned above is probably the closest I've ever seen to a sociopath. I don't think he feels real guilt unless he thinks he should feel it. I do not think it comes naturally to him. The way he operates is at a level beyond most if our understanding. The author also mentioned that in her interview of one sociopath, he said that what he wanted most was for people to pity him. Pity is a powerful weapon. It's like a Get Out of Jail Free card that one can use in this game called "Life". When we pity someone, we excuse that person for a lot of their negative behavior, hoping that it will stop when he/she gets better. However, it often does not stop and the pattern continues. I believe that the above person used pity to coast through life. However, as human beings we cannot keep excusing people and lowering our expectations. For the sake of ourselves and others they may encounter in the future, we need to say that this selfish, hurtful behavior is NOT okay, and we will not tolerate it anymore.

This is a response to an entry by smallfooties: "hi guys, just wondering if any of you experience psychotic symptoms or magical thinking? just wondering if it is the BPD or depression or some underlying problem? I know BPD is not a psychotic disorder but never really understood how we border between neurosis and psychosis."
I do realize that the DSM stopped using the term "neurosis" a few editions ago so my definition applies to a more archaic view of BPD. BPD was originally said to border between neurosis and psychosis which is how it received its name. Nonetheless, the definition of borderline personality disorder has been refined over the years. Nonetheless, I being a dork just had to answer smallfooties' question.

Magical thinking and psychotic symptoms are more associated with mild forms of schizophrenia, particularly schizotypal disorder. People with schizotypal disorder are prone to dress eccentrically and have magical thinking or believe that they are psychic or possess a sixth sense. Others have a hard time relating to them because their thoughts are not based on things perceived through the six senses. They are more likely to have beliefs that others ridicule such as the belief in leprechauns or fairies.
I am mainly going to respond to the question "how we border between neurosis and psychosis?" because a couple of people asked me to elaborate on my answer. Nonetheless, please note that I only minored in Psychology in college and I am not a doctor and am not an authority on the subject. I am just articulating an answer to the question to the best of my understanding on the subject.
The best way to understand how borderlines border between neurosis and psychosis is to define these terms separately. Neurosis is a mental imbalance that causes distress, but does not prevent or effect rational thought so depression, anxiety, OCD, and phobias would fall under this category because they cause great distress, but the person is still in touch with reality. On the other hand, psychosis is a loss of contact with reality like delusions and hallucinations. People with psychosis cannot distinguish between what is real and what is imaginary. People with only borderline disorder do not suffer from delusions and hallucinations, yet most people, especially those who interact with them, would not consider them rational. A borderline may be aware of his/her surroundings, but the way he/she interprets those surroundings is what can seem psychotic. For example, in their black and white thinking of others, people are either completely idealized or completely devalued. This view can seem extremely delusional to others because nobody is all good or all bad; plus, it can be terrifying how quickly somebody can go from loving and praising you to hating and insulting you. Nevertheless, the borderline person is not imagining anything false about the person and knows well of the virtues and vices of the person, but he/she still uses those facts to either hold the person on a pedestal or demonize that person, which shows that the borderline personś perception of others is not realistic. Borderline people also tend to be very paranoid, which is a trait shared with schizophrenics, but unlike schizophrenics, they do not hear false conversations or have visual hallucinations, but they will constantly imagine that others are talking about them behind their back or a friend simply failing to smile will make them jump to the conclusion that the person does not want to be their friend anymore, making them unable to trust people easily. Borderline people have a great fear of abandonment. Thus, borderline people often misread social cues and interpret them as rejection. Because their fear of abandonment is so strong, they often look for signs that the person is going to leave them, so someone being withdrawn one night will often trigger those fears; whereas, someone without borderline would interpret the withdrawal as their loved one being stressed or having a bad day, the borderline person would conclude that the loved one is angry with him/her or does not love him/her anymore. Someone not suffering from borderline is often baffled and cannot perceive how someone could come up with such a conclusion. Borderline people harbor the deep belief that their loved ones will leave them despite contrary evidence. Another thing about borderline people (and this is more from experience) is that in some ways, they think that they are above the rules which leads to impulsive acts like anger outbursts, shoplifting, reckless spending, and speeding; when they do these things, they either do not perceive of being caught or do not imagine being punished which in many ways is delusional. Nonetheless, most borderline people are filled with regret and shame over these acts which shows that they are in touch with reality. Thus, borderlines despite facing mental distress like extreme emotions, paranoia, and fear of abandonment do perceive their environment realistically (neurosis) but due to the neurotic symptoms, often blow these facts out of proportion in their minds and make inaccurate conclusions (psychosis). This is how borderline people border between neurosis and psychosis.

I briefly dated this guy who said he was atheist. I managed to squeeze a slight answer for his reasoning, and he said it was because he just wants to be free to live his life and being atheist makes that easiest. Believe it or not, I can understand his reasoning. If we think about it, we already judge each other so harshly that it's a bit messed up that we have to imagine some deity who sees all and judges everything we do behind closed doors. We're never really free that way are we? However, I still think that his becoming atheist is a cop out. He's taking the easier route. Instead of engaging in introspection and sorting his feeling and beliefs, he chooses to simplify things by rejecting everything. But then again, as Americans we like to simplify things.
We'd like to believe we can follow a guidebook like He's Just Not That Into You, and everything will fall into place. I've been there myself. I used to read psychology books and was obsessed with the enneagram and myers-brigg, believing that I could use these books to crack the code of the people around me. Nonetheless, they are people: human beings who are so complex that no book could ever categorize them. Take me for example, I am normally categorized as a 7 on the enneagram and for the most part it's true: I like to remain optimistic; I flee from pain and become easily detached; I am extremely warm and try to lighten the situation and entertain people (think dancing monkey); I start to become uptight and critical when I'm stressed and use my sense of humor as a defense mechanism. Nonetheless, I am not as shallow as sevens are made out to be and am even attracted to the dark side (something that sevens shun entirely), making me having many four characteristics. Then I even have a splash of three where I can become competitive and constantly worry about my image. My point is that nobody can be put in a box, and life cannot be simplified. No book holds all the answers, just like no belief system holds all the answers. Being atheist seems to be the route for those tired of thinking and evaluating themselves. The funny thing is I find that most atheists don't just simply not believe in God, they are against God. I've only met one atheist in my life who was highly educated, evaluated everything from a logical perspective, and concluded that there was no God. The rest just tend to be jaded Christians: once fervent believers who are now angry that their religion let them down. I hear the same thing over and over again. Why would God allow the Holocaust, famine, and floods? I sense resentment in these statements. Well, here's a newsflash: no religion is perfect. There will always be a few elements that contradict with our core beliefs, but you don't just walk out on it. You work through it. I stick with Catholicism because it's the foundation of Christianity. Instead of abandoning a religion and forming a new one, let's try to fix the original one. I think that deep within their souls, 95% of all atheists believe in some God. Furthermore, my answer to why God allows pain on Earth is simple: what would be the point of Heaven if Earth was easy? Plus, God grants freewill. I like to imagine God as this loving figure that after all the pain and trials we suffer in life, we approach Heaven's Gate weary and broken, and God takes our hand and says, "Welcome home", and we walk through that gate, feeling long awaited relief that all our worries have faded as we bask in eternal love. I believe if we try to be good and do what makes sense to us, we will be welcomed into Heaven. I just listened to Eric Clapton's song Tears in Heaven (corny I know), but one verse leaves me so sad: "Cause I know, I don't belong here in Heaven". How can anyone aside from a serial killer really believe that he/she doesn't belong in Heaven? Why must people be so hateful toward themselves? We need to forgive ourselves for our flaws. We are human after all, and that's what separates us from God. WE ARE NOT PERFECT! And that's okay. We are loved unconditionally anyway. I want to be that beacon of love and help people feel accepted in my presence. I want them to know they can show me their worst side, and still be loved. That goes for some of my wannabe enemies. I love you and wish the best for you.
My point is that I find religion liberating, not oppressive, There is some higher being who sees every corrupt thing I do and still chooses to love me. That is a beautiful thing. The Bible is often misinterpreted. I tend to look at the Gospels for advice rather than the other books since the Gospels actually attempt to quote the words of Jesus and aren't just written by hoity-toity scholars. Where does it say that premarital sex or homosexuality will lead us to Hell? True, it does say look at a woman with lust and you have committed adultery in your heart, but I interpret that quite differently than is standard. I believe there is a difference between desiring someone and spending time fantasizing and objectifying that person in one's mind. I think it was the latter Jesus was criticizing. Let's face it, it's very dehumanizing and degrading to turn someone into a sex object in your mind or to stand there and oggle them. Even the tale of the rich man which most find so harsh has a point. The rich man ate fattened lamb while a beggar covered with sores suffered at his door. Just imagine the pathetic scene this conjures: to feast indifferently while someone suffers nearby. The rich man never lifted a finger to help the beggar. I believe that was what Jesus was criticizing not the mere fact of being rich. Nonetheless, I do believe that to be insanely rich does require a coldness toward others in general. How could one indulge in five BMWs, knowing that others are starving around them? Think about St. Catherine of Sienna who starved because she kept giving her food to the beggars around her. She couldn't bare to see others suffer around her and eat in peace. This is why I myself don't think I could ever be comfortable being insanely rich myself. If I had as much money as Oprah, I'd be inclined to give away 98% of my earnings, and live in a small humble house.
I get so tired of encountering atheists who choose that path because of bitterness and exhaustion rather than logic, which I could at least respect. Then again, I suppose atheists are better than Satanists, which I view as the ultimate form of immaturity.

Sometimes, I hate my job so much I want to scream. I want to pound the floor with my fists, rip the damned phone from the wall, and scatter all the papers about the room. I work at a credit union which is like a bank only it is limited to Kaiser employees and their family. It has all the boring aspects of a bank, only we have to hold members' (they're called members not customers) hands and cater to stupidity. It's gotten to the point where I cannot even stand to answer the phone. Please let me fade into the background and do some filing. On top of that I have a bitchy co-worker who likes to hover over me and question whether or not I'm working and an uptight, stingy boss. We didn't even get the day after Thanksgiving off! >:O This is a job that has no direction where I'm constantly paralyzed with tasks I have no idea how to accomplish and members asking questions I do not know the answer to and unavailable co-workers who often cannot help me when I need it which turns a 2 minute task into a fifteen minute one. I have never been in a position that constantly makes me feel humiliated and stupid.
I feel like my position is no more than an office servant, which is degrading at times. Just when things seem at their lowest, someone will do something nice that brightens my perspective. My co-worker will actually say thank you, my boss will give me a hug right before the holidays, or someone will offer me a ride home. Have I become a dog, where people can constantly kick me but the occasional scratch behind the ears will retain my loyalty? I'm sick of feeling obligated to graditude just to have a job I hate in this shitty economy. It makes me gag on my own bitterness.
Everybody has their own desk with a phone except me. My desk is at the end where I only have about two feet of available space to work in since the rest of it is open to the view of members. My boss does not like it when members can see my work so I constantly have to cram it in the corner when they arrive. I am also expected to sit at other people's desks when they're gone so I can answer the phone more easily. I'm still expected to run across the room from my original desk if others cannot answer the phone b/c they're busy. It has been eight months and my boss still hasn't given me a cash drawer. A teller who cannot give cash? What a joke! I'm tired of having to constantly direct people to other tellers when they ask for cash. For some reason she thinks that counting cash is more difficult than memorizing computer codes and accounting laws.
I long to escape.

I spoke with my mom about quitting my job and as I predicted, she was against the idea. I am thisclose to getting a car, and she's right that having a car will brighten things. She also pointed out that it's not fair to just quit without talking to my boss first. She feels that I'm trying to take the easy way out. She also said that she will not be okay with me moving back home either. Reddest when you finish graduate school, want to move in the Minen with me in Oregon? We could live in the log cabins where people pay you to live in them. Downside: no electricity. We could be pioneers. Mom says that I need to find a job before I quit my job. What happens if there's nothing by the summer? I hate it when she's right. I'll talk to my boss about where I'm at with this job, and explain my situation. 1) I want a cash drawer. 2) It is not my co-worker's job to hover over me. 3) We get two fifteen minute breaks by law, and though I may not take them, by law I cannot be made to feel badly for lingering in the bathroom for 13 minutes. Furthermore, I will not stand to be accused of taking extra time when I'm not. 4) I also want a phone line. I'm tired of hopping from desk to desk. The fourth one may be wishful thinking. Mom is right that I'm being overly judgemental with the members. Failing to complete highlighted parts (grrrr) does not mean they are stupid. They made very human mistakes and are probably being overwhelmed with work and children while trying to complete the application. I need to be more understanding. I want the damned copying machine fixed too. I'm tired of seeing lines in my copies. I will do as Mom suggests and present my views to the boss. If some of these problems can be addressed, then I'll consider keeping my job. Otherwise, I'll look for a full time job at Peet's and take the pay cut. Oh the pain! =( However, from now on, I'm wearing all black to work to symbolize the death of my personality each time I enter the office. It'll be my personal joke.

I am very tempted to sell my eggs. I'm thinking of doing it for two cycles. I'll get $7000 for the first egg and $7500 for the second egg. I never thought that I would ever consider such a thing, but I suppose we change as we get older.
I hate my job. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to answer the phone at work anymore. I'm on my second sick day in a row. I really am sick, but I'd consider toughing it out if the office could at least be kept at a decent temperature; first day come in and the heater's broken, making it freezing, second day I come in and the heater's on too high, making it sweltering hot and stuffy. Working under these conditions while sick just does not appeal to me. I want to quit and go to school full time. If I don't get a car, I can live off of my savings for six months. However, I need a car these days. I'll get the lowest insurance I can. If I get a part time job at a coffee shop, it won't be enough to cover rent, car insurance, student loans, and food. Maybe, I can get my loans deferred again. This is where selling my eggs becomes tempting. Yes, it disturbs me that a couple of my children will be running around, but I would be giving a gift to a couple who cannot conceive. Then again, I believe that they should adopt since there are so many children who need homes, but then again, it's a wonderful gift to give a woman who cannot conceive the opportunity to feel a child grow inside her. However, giving away my eggs will probably leave some mark on my soul so it's probably not a good idea. Most likely I will never be able to sell my eggs. Nonetheless, knowing the option exists gives me some comfort.

I think that having siblings in my teens matured me quite a bit, but sometimes it's hard because there's no solitude at home. I love them dearly, but everytime I go home, I go from being laidback and calm to uptight and neurotic. Outside home, I can count my emotional outbursts on one hand (at least in front of people and I'm talking about bouts of screaming and hysterical crying not the normal tantrums we all throw), but at home they're countless. I yell all the freaking time. Whenever, my siblings push my buttons, my temper gets the best of me. I probably yell about five to ten times a day. I very rarely yell at my mom because it's the ultimate form of disrespect in her book. I don't yell at my stepmom because she hardly ever aggravates me. I've screamed at my dad a lot, and I seem to always be raising my voice to my stepdad. In a strange way, I think yelling is a sign that I'm fond of someone and care deeply for that person. I only yell this much at home when I'm surrounded by the people I love. With them, I guess it's worth the energy whereas with most people, I can say a biting remark, calmly state my opinion, or just write them out of my life. Toward the end of our friendship, I constantly yelled at my exbestfriend before giving up; I was emotional because I was trying to preserve our friendship, and I always felt livid with her; she was one of the few people capable of hurting and angering me that much. I yelled a lot at my roommate because I became so frustrated with her self destructive behavior. Most people just don't invoke that emotional response in me. Then again, a friend did tell me that I'm quite tempermental and compared me to the ocean: still waters one minute, then 80 foot waves appear, tossing you from side to side. Even though my temper constantly flares with my siblings, it also quickly cools down. It gets their attention, then it's back to business. I guess they're used to it and I doubt it phases them. I yell, but I never insult them. I'm not verbally abusive, I just simply use volume. Plus, they're so darling that it's impossible to stay mad at them for very long. I guess I'm just following a family tradition. My mom yells a lot and it seems that all the women on her side of the family are yellers. Nana yelled, her mom yelled, her sisters yelled, my mom's cousins yell. Maybe, it's a Scottish thing. I asked if her if Grandad's mother yelled, and mom said she didn't; Her granny was a strong woman who commanded respect but also knew how to have fun. I aspire to be like Grandad's mom as a parent. I always thought I'd be that calm mother who simply reprimands her children and barely bats an eye as chaos erupts around her. Yet I digress, if this pattern continues, when I have children, I'll be just like my mom and all the Fraser women.

Bonjour 'Peeps'

Michelle's Cousin Emily From Scotland Is Writing Here, I Feel In Control =] (Evil Laugh)
I Have A Very Good Theroy - How Cool Would It Be TO Be An Invisible Fly Or Crocodile. I Mean If You Were An Invisible Fly You Could Buzz And Annoy People And They Would Have NO IDea Where It Would Be Coming From. It Would Be Hillarious. Now Onto Being An Invisible Crocodile - If There Was Someone You Really Really Hate YOu Could Go Into There HOuse Into There Room And THen Gobble Them And THey Would Have No IDea What Would Be Happening.
Somehow I Also Think This COuld Be Possible No Matter What My Family Says - A Physco-path Could Walk Into There Psychologists Office And Take Out A Gun Kill THem Then Kill The Seceraty And Then Shoot Yourself Because You Are Crazy And Now You Have No-one To Talk To And YOu Were Secretly In Love With Your Ex Girlfriends Lover.
Also The Next Person Who Makes Michelle Laugh While Tickling Her Please Inform Me As She Has Been ''Bullying'' Me By Tickling Me And I Cannot Get Her Back As She Is Not Tickling.
Gosh, I Must Be Sad, Im Sitting Here At 2:05am (British Time OBVIOUSLY DUDE) Writing A Entry In My Cousin's Journal, Very 'Intreging'. OH And Also Do You Not Think The BEst Name To Call Someone Is A Egotistic Whore Or Is It Just Me ?
Just To Make A Point, Not ALl Scottish People Are Fat, Have Ginger Hair, Talk With Weird Accents, Live IN THe Hills, And Scottish Men Do NOT Wear Skirts, They Are Called Kilts My Dears =]

Wow Now That Thats Over With,

Hope YOu All Have A NIce Day/Evening/Life

Peace Dudes =]